there's a flower
growing out of my heart,
one which is soaked
in all the colors

there's spring
right in my soul,
one which is
loud and beautiful

there's a field of flowers
in my head,
it tells me to just,
let myself fall right into it

there're bees
flying up and down
in my stomach
all the time

and there's the sun,
touching my face
with its sunbeams,
keeping me gigging





april'19

feeling lost
like in an ocean
an ocean full of emotions
and otherwise there's nothing

swimming, close to drowning
being helpless, searching around
for something to hold onto,
just to get out of that endless ocean

I am lost
in myself,
feel like I am drowning,
in myself
looking for a hand to hold,
for my own

only I can get myself
out of here
into a nicer place

a place where I know
who I am
a place where I know
what I want in life




march'19

I always held you close
close to my heart
and I wrapped my arms around you

I loved you
with all the love I had
I loved you
so much that it hurt

I appreciated you
in a way, which is hard to explain
and so I appreciated every moment
that I spent with you

and I imagined so many times
that this could be the last
wonderful moment
and appreciated it many times more

I really wanted to
make all these wonderful moments
to last forever
and they will, in my memories

I won't forget
I won't forget any of them
I won't forget how the love felt
I won't forget you



march'19

I miss you
even though I don't really
know you that good,
but still, I miss you

I miss your smell,
your warming heat,
I miss your nearness,
your kind smile

and I miss your laugh,
I miss being being close to you,
to lay inside of your arms,
I miss feeling safe in your hands

I miss talking to you
and to be on the same wavelength
I miss looking into your eyes,
I just miss you

Almost every single minute…
could this be wrong?

it's a loss of lifetime,
to figure out
who others want you to be





jan'19

your hand was touching mine
and so your heart was
and I felt like it was our destiny
and I felt save and finally home

a whole new home,
inside of your arms

mostly it starts small,
until it got so big,
that you aren't able
to hide it from yourself

what could you think of
probably there was something
coming up into your mind,
while you read the lines above

whatever you thought of,
don't you think
that it's finally time,
to be true to yourself

don't you think,
that it's finally time,
to stop lying to yourself

whatever you thought of,
don't you think,
that it's finally time
to let all of this go

don't you think
that you deserve
just simply the truth
and nothing else

whatever you thought of,
stop reaching for it,
rather start to reach
for new horizons

feeling lost is
nothing new to me
it's like an old friend
who comes up,
once in a while

just tell me,
that I am not,
just not lost again

just tell me,
that I am safe here
inside of your arms

just tell me,
that you'll hold me
just tell me,
that you'll be here

just tell me,
that you'll stay,
tell me that you
won't fade away
like a shadow

whenever I think of
making memories,
my thoughts lead
me somewhere

whenever I think of
sharing all I got,
my thoughts lead
me somewhere

whenever I think of
being the best version of myself,
my thoughts lead
me somewhere

whenever I think of
catching all of the stars,
my thoughts lead
me somewhere

whenever I think of
setteling down,
my thoughts lead
me somewhere

whenever I think of
that somewhere
I think my heart
is simply
thinking of you

you said you love me,
you said you love me,
to the moon and back

but it seems like 769000 kilometers
weren't enough to keep me,
they weren't enough to let you
keep my heart in your hands

the moon is far away
and so your love felt




jan'19

through you I learned,
there's a lot I learned
you taught me love
and how to love

you showed me how it feels
to be loved
and you showed me how it feels
to feel unloved

you taught me new feelings
I learned how to handle them,
you taught me how to trust
and how to not tear it in half

you showed me how to
let wings grow
and how to use them,
when you liftet me up,
you let me fall deep
and let my wings get broken

you broke me
and I learned to build
myself up again
you gave me pain,
and I learned how
to numb it

you showed me all the things,
which count
you gave me a lesson
in life




jan'19

a room so dark,
that no light could light it up
and a bed so empty
that no one could fill the space

a night so cold,
that no blanket could warm up
and thoughts so loud,
that nothing could make them quiet

hands so dry,
that nothing could make them look alive
and a heart so broken,
that no glue could stick it back together

a soul so lost,
that nothing could bring it back
and a hope so strong,
that nothing could ever kill it




jan'19

it's the smell,
which remindes me
and it's the taste,
which does too

smells after good things,
with the unforgettable taste
of you in it

remindes me of the time,
when we were sitting there
together in the bathtub

remindes me of the time,
when we were holding them,
the warm cups of tea

remindes me of the time,
when we made fun,
with the bright white foam
all around us two

remindes me of the time,
when we sat there silent,
with thousand of feelings
for each other

now it seems like the tea
got cold and almost empty,
every new cup of tea
keeps reminding me

but still,
it won't be
the same cup of tea
ever again



jan'19

Sometimes there're so many things going on in our lifes,
that we forget to think about us, we just forget to think
only one minute of ourselves and how we feel.

Today I thought about my feelings, my life, everything.
And I cried. Not because my life is a bad one..
but because of how I feel these days, actually the last
few months. I was so busy by getting my school life
together, that I stopped thinking about me.
Sure, school for example is something, I do for myself,
to become a well educated young person, but.. what about
all the other things?

I really feel like I'm a no one. I'm asking myself what's
special about me, what's something I am actually
good at? Maybe better than others..
What do people think of, when they think of me?
I guess most people just think that I'm friendly and stuff.
I mean, I am friendly and kind, I would say..
but that can't just be everything.
What am I supposed to see in myself, if no one else
is seeing something in me?
I wanna be someone who people want to be with too,
as much as I want to be with them.
I feel like I am seeing things in others, who don't even
think about what they value of those who are around
them.
I also wonder about what I did through the last 20 years.
Feels like all I did was going to school and being
a boring nerd.
I feel lost, as if I'm drowning in my own life.. just because
I have the feeling to not know who I actually am.
I mean who am I? I really don't know..

Manchmal, da sind wir so leer. Wie leere Hüllen, die ohne weiteren Sinn existieren. Aber fühlen wir nicht eigentlich auch etwas wenn wir leer sind und uns leer fühlen? Wir wissen, da könnte oder ja, da müsste doch mehr sein. Muss da mehr sein? Vielleicht ist das Leerfühlen, Teil vom Fühlen.. vielleicht müssen wir uns manchmal leer fühlen, damit wir wissen, dass da noch mehr ist, damit wir wissen, dass es vorbei geht und dass wir uns freuen können, wenn da mehr ist. Vielleicht ist das Leerfühlen, Teil vom Fühlen, Teil von uns.. vielleicht macht es uns manchmal aus, wenn es uns begleitet, vielleicht lernen wir von uns selbst, wir sehen wie wir sind, so ganz ohne alles auf einmal zu fühlen.

Wir halten fest,
an den Dingen an die wir glauben.
Wir halten fest,
an allem was wir so lieben.

Wir glauben,
an Vergebung.
Wir glauben,
an die Zukunft.
Wir glauben,
und dann fühlen wir.

Wir fühlen,
was wir verdrängt haben.
Wir fühlen,
Schmerz.
Wir fühlen,
Trauer.
Wir fühlen,
zu viel aufeinmal.

Wir werden ertränkt,
in Gefühlen.
Werden ertränkt,
in Gedanken.
Ertränkt,
in der Endlosigkeit.

Wir werden ohnmächtig,
ohnmächtig inmitten unseres Lebens.
Verlieren die Kraft,
verlieren den Mut.

Fühlen uns als würden wir
inmitten der Endlosigkeit,
inmitten dem Trubel der Gefühle,
an nichts Halt finden.

Wir sind rastlos,
sind haltlos.
Wirbeln herum ohne Ziel,
sind verloren.